In neuro linguistic programming (NLP) and hypnosis training, practitioners are taught to stay away from this F-word…
FORGIVENESS!
We’re supposed to say “release” or “letting go of the past.” And, I have found it to be true that many clients say “I’ve already dealt with my feelings about _____ [my mom, dad, abuser, etc.]”
They’ve come to heal their inner child, not rehash the hurtful behavior of other people.
The truth is, they’re inseparably connected. You have to deal with the deep emotions related to that person’s behavior before you can be free of the past. Forgiveness is an integral part of healing the inner child, reclaiming yourself, and moving forward as a person who is free!
And, it can be done!
My Story of Forgiveness
My mother favored my brother. I know, I know, big deal, right? Most parents have a clear favorite. My mother’s preference for my younger brother was so pronounced, that it was as if I stopped existing when I was three, and my brother was born. Neighbors and friends of my parents commented to my dad, advocating on my behalf.
When I became an adult, I was CERTAIN I had dealt with this. My mother died when I was nine, so it wasn’t like her behavior went on for that long into my life. I also don’t remember her very well, so it didn’t seem to matter. I had processed it. I was over it - that’s what I would have told you.
I wasn’t…
I came to realize this when an aunt gave me letters my mother had written to her when I was a baby. My aunt had held on to them for years and wanted me to enjoy reading about how much my mother loved me.
Those letters sat unread in a drawer for years! I couldn’t bring myself to open them.
But why?
The truth was, that I was very dedicated to the story I had of my mom. She didn’t care about me. She only loved my brother. I didn’t want to hear anything different. I had already dealt with all of this! I’d forgiven her. (Or, so I told myself.)
When I finally read those letters, full of words from a mother who loved her infant daughter, I was… ANGRY
Yep, super pissed off. I found myself stopping to say out loud, “You’re lying!” or “Yeah, right!” I felt she was trying to play the doting mom, but I knew better! She was a fake.
There was a well of anger I had yet to face. All my “processing” hadn’t gotten me as far as I thought.
I used a process that I now practice with my clients to tap into that anger. I allowed myself to recognize it. To feel it! It was hard because I wanted to see myself as having risen above these baser feelings. I wanted to be better than that. I saw myself as compassionate and understanding. - And, over it!
It’s natural to want to choose a more enlightened view. That’s a sign of the true progress I’d made. But, it was also the rug under which I had swept my anger. I didn’t want to feel the anger I thought was petty and judgemental.
But, the anger was there, and it was real. I could try to rise above by pretending it wasn’t, or I could tap into it and feel it. The choice to face it and feel it is what set me free.
The truth is, my mother, like all people, had more depth than existed in my story of her. She was an imperfect human, deserving of compassion and understanding. I thought I understood that, but I couldn't truly FEEL that compassion until I’d let go of the anger.
Why it matters
I tell you this, not to boo-hoo over my past or gain your sympathy. I share this as an example of how easy it can be to feel “over it” when we’re not. To want to deny those less evolved emotions that underlie our past hurts.
And, to tell you that you can rewrite the story!
Once I acknowledged my emotions and allowed myself to feel them, I stopped being triggered by things that seemed unfair. I was able to let go of old patterns related to that pain and anger.
Now I helped clients do the same IN A SINGLE SESSION! It really can be that easy.
Be gentle with yourself. You have a right to those baser feelings. They’re natural and they have to come out of the shadows and be recognized before they can truly be released.
That’s when the magic begins!
How do you let it go?
I’ve found hypnosis to be powerfully effective, but here are some others techniques:
Emotional Freedom Technique (aka Tapping)
Ho'oponopono
Metta meditation
Journaling
I go into detail about these tools as well as how to tell when you’ve really forgiven someone in my blog. Check it out and see which process works best for you.