A majority of my clients are healers of some type, therapists, addiction counselors, energy workers, intuitives, yoga teachers, massage therapists, et cetera. These individuals often have a high level of self-awareness and a sense of how to clear their own emotional and energetic baggage. A recurring theme that I've found, however, is the need for forgiveness. Most individuals I work with want to go straight to self-forgiveness, recognizing that we’re hardest on ourselves. Self-forgiveness works best, however,when we release onto resentment of others.
Why forgiving others precedes self-forgiveness
Many healers arrive at their passion for helping others after healing from their own trauma. I count myself among those who have used their own grief and suffering to build a compassionate foundation from which they can help others. Having come far in the process of working through traumatic events, we often feel it’s time to focus on self-love and self-compassion. I applaud this instinct. My caveat is that having moved past those difficult events, we often skip over the individuals who caused or were involved with them.
Until you have forgiven the offenders and abusers in your life, small and large, you hold onto a part of the negative energy of the traumatic event. You can heal only so far without this last piece. Think of the pain and resentment you feel for the individuals who have hurt you as rocks. Each rock gets carried around in a big sack. That sack gets heavier and heavier each time you don’t fully release the emotions and bitterness you feel from the hurtful incident and the person you blame (even when the blame is well deserved).
What you bring to the table for your clients is made much more powerful once you have released the emotional residue attached to the people and events of your past. After that heavy bag has been released, healers report feeling stronger, more positive, and lighter. Forgiveness clears out the energy of resentment, hurt, and anger. I’ve seen this happen time and again and it’s a beautiful things to witness!
Until you forgive, you’ll be impacted by the offender
Our culture is steeped in punitive thinking. Those who harm are inseparable from their crimes. They do not deserve forgiveness. It is difficult to see the human inside the child mosleter or the spouse abuser, but when we aren’t able to muster compassion and release of the individuals responsible for our trauma, we hold on to resentment. We hold on to suffering. Those stuck emotions cause more self-recrimination. Here’s how I have seen it work for myself and in my clients:
You’re still holding emotions - There is residual anger, pain, resentment, or fear toward the offender.
Held emotions get triggered - You encounter someone or something that reminds you of the offender and you feel the old, stuck feelings. This could be a situation that feels similar or even a physical characteristic that resembles the offender.
You react - Either, you react to the old trigger or you realize you’re having feelings that don’t fit the situations and you stop the reaction. Either way, you’re not sure why you’re so irritable with your new boss, but you know it’s not about her. The offender is still impacting you.
Self-recrimination - You feel bad about the overactive feelings and frustration at being triggered, again, after having done some much work on the traumatic event.You wonder why you haven’t been able to let it go.
This cycle plays out not because you haven’t done your healing work on the traumatic event and post-traumatic growth (though those are, of course, important components), but because, emotionally and energetically, you’re holding on to emotions related to the individual(s) involved.
Forgiving is not condoning
Forgiving the individual does not let them off the hook. It does not mean you’re okay with what they did. It means that you’re releasing yourself from the cycle by removing the emotions you’ve held onto on their behalf. It lets you off the hook, not the offender.
How do you know if you have forgiveness work to do?
Think back to your more difficult events, the things that shaped you as a person through challenge. Those times when someone else brought about hard times with their bad behavior. Have that image in mind? Good. Now, focus on the person. Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and imagine them. What emotions come up? What reactions do you feel in your body? Do you tense up? Breathe faster? Does your heart rate increase? Face heat up? Do you feel angry? Sad? Resentful? Shame? If you feel anything other than neutrality or compassion, you have forgiveness work to do.
Other hints that you’ve got forgiving to do:
If you find yourself thinking about or talking about the offender with some regularity, you’re probably holding on to residual emotions.
When you start to feel bad about yourself or your circumstances, the offender comes to mind and you mentally attack them.
You have fantasy conversations in your mind, where you express your feelings on what happened or you list the offenders faults for them. (Some people have this fantasy conversation with a supportive person, telling the confidante about the faults or offenses of the offender).
You have emotional or physical sensation when you hear the person’s name (even when the context is about a person with the same name, not the actual offender) or you see someone who resembles the offender.
Tools for forgiving
Start small
Practice this with someone you don’t have a particularly traumatic past or long history with. Is there someone you still think about who cut you off in traffic or yelled at you on the street? Maybe they come to mind in similar situations. You don’t have to know their name or have any expectation of seeing them again. If you have stuck feelings of anger, hurt, or resentment and they still come to mind from time to time, it counts.
Try out one or two of the tools below on this less impactful individual and notice how it shifts your energy when you think of the person. Work with a tool or two and then move on to another, using another minimally impactful person, until you’ve familiarized yourself with each of the tools. Then, pick a person who you feel more strongly about - still not the most impactful person/people. Notice how you feel in the days and weeks after you gain neutral or compassionate feelings for the person. Do you feel lighter? Laugh easier? Notice any positive synchronicities? Does it change the ease with which you feel good about yourself?
Set an intention
This practice is simply an intentional statement to the Universe. It is a commitment, and like all commitments, it only works if you really meant it. Do some deep breathing, ground, and focus yourself. State out loud that you are forgiving the person. State outloud your intention to discontinue thinking negative things about the person, then stick to it!
Something like this:
“I am forgiving Nicole. Here and now, I am letting go of my anger at her for eating all the chocolate ice cream. I will no longer linger on judgemental thoughts about what she did and will, now and moving forward, let go of negative thoughts that come up about her. I forgive you, Nicole!”
This may sound ridiculous, but for some of my “easier” subjects of forgiveness, it has made a big difference. I have seen coworkers and acquaintances suddenly shift how they treat me after doing nothing more than this one intentional practice. I said it, I meant it, and it changed my interactions.
Metta Meditation
Metta is a Pali word that means loving kindness. It’s a common Buddhist practice. Traditionally, the meditation starts with sending loving wishes to yourself, then your inner circle (family and friends), then aquantenaces (the person who served your coffee this morning or a neighbor you see but don’t really know), then to difficult relations, and on to all sentient beings (aka, the world).
When working on forgiveness, I alter this meditation to focus solely on the person you’re forgiving. Start by thinking about someone you love, such as a child, your dog, or your best friend. Bring them to mind and really gather a felt sense of love. Then, transfer that feeling to the person you’re forgiving. Feel love, compassion, and well wishes pouring to that person and say to them in your mind, “May you be happy.” If you’re not able to do this with the more impactful abusers in your life, that’s okay. Start with less impactful people or use a different tool.
Ho'oponopono
This is a practice that comes from a Hawaiian tradition. It is a prayer that acknowledges the karmic role we all play in what happens to us as well as a conscious intention to change it. While holding the person you want to forgiven in mind, recite: “I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.”
I’m sorry - I’m sorry that this happened. It doesn’t mean you accept blame for abuses done to you. A child is not to blame for being abused by a child moslester. Don’t get caught up in this statement as accepting responsibility. Think of it as the way you would tell a friend you’re sorry when you hear a parent has died. You didn’t cause the death, but your feel for the grief it has caused as part of the connected human experience.
Please forgive me - Again, here, try not to get caught up in thinking of this statement as assigning blame to yourself. As inseparably connected spiritual beings having a collective experience, we are all contributing to the whole; so much of that is beautiful, and some of it sucks. This is saying sorry to Spirit for the part that sucks as well as the negativity we’ve understandably added to it. If you’ve ever snapped at a friend because you were in a bad mood after being triggered by something related to a hurtful event, then you’ve added just a little bit of negativity (again, understandably!) to the collective. We’ve all done it. Don’t dwell on it. Just ask to be let off the hook for the role you’ve played in the karmic drama that is life by asking to be forgiven.
Thank you - Many studies are showing that post-traumatic growth is powerful stuff. As stated in the beginning of this article, most of the people I work with are healers and most of them do what they do because they’ve been through the same kind of difficulties they now help others with. You’re not thanking the abuser for what they did. You’re acknowledging an opportunity to give back to the greater good because you’ve been such a strong survivor. You’ve made your challenges into a gift and you’re thanking the Universe for that.
I love you - This is to the Universe, the greater good, the collective human experience. Recognize that, spiritually, we’re all connected. We’re all one. If you feel more comfortable aiming this statement at the Whole or the Universe, do that. If you feel ready to include the offender in this level of compassion, then you’re at the PhD level of compassionate forgiveness! Go you!
EFT/Tapping
If you’re unfamiliar with how to use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT, also called tapping), you’ll want to watch the video for instructions. Using pressure points, this process helps dissolve old feelings and beliefs. You tap while thinking of the person and all the emotions that come up when you think about them, dissolving them one at a time.
I’m linking to a video about this as it’s better watched then read.
Hypnosis for forgiveness
Of course, as a hypnotherapist, I often use a powerful forgiveness process in my work with clients. By the end of the process my clients are able to fill the gaps where the anger, resentment, pain, and suffering have been with a sense of compassion. Unfortunately, it’s not something I can describe how to do for yourself. If you’re interested, please reach out and schedule a free consultation with me to talk about the process.
Forgiveness, I have found, is as much an energetic act than a mental/emotional one. It is an intentional statement to the Universe that you’re letting go. You’re ready to replace destructive emotions with compassion or, barring that, at least neutrality. Feeling no more for the person than you do for a stranger you pass on the street is a sign of forgiveness. You may not be able to wish them well, but you don’t wish them harm and they no longer hold sway over your emotions.